Hello beautiful. My name is Katlyn (you can call me Kat though) and I’m a 15 year old girl living in South Florida. I’m going into high school this year and I’m worried about what that might bring me. The journey to high school hasn’t been easy for me. I know you hear sobs stories a lot, but I’m telling you this so you know that I know what it’s like to hate myself.
Ever since I could remember, I was different. I was kind of a loner and I didn’t look like everyone else. I had glasses almost all of my life for my lazy eye and I didn’t have the same body type. It’s not like I’m unhealthy, I was just not happy. Why wasn’t I skinny like them? Why did I have glasses and they didn’t? Why this? Why that? I’ll tell you, all those thoughts were a waste of a perfectly great childhood. I could never quite enjoy everything. Once I started fifth grade my body started maturing (boys you don’t have to read this part, lol). Things started getting pretty hard. I didn’t really understand shaving and wearing bras. It wasn’t until my friend Emma told me people were calling me gross behind my back. It wasn’t like I was doing this on purpose, it was all new to me and I lived with my dad alot of the time. So why did these people hate me and think I was gross? I didn’t understand. All I knew was I didn’t like them hating me and I knew I had to change it. I went home that day and started asking my dad for bras and razors. He was shocked, but after a few weeks he let me start shaving and by then we’d gone bra shopping. I got my hair styled too. I started looking at things differently then. I was happy. (I am in NO way saying to change yourself to be happy)
That year I met my best friend Emily. Four years later she is still the closest person to me. I tell her everything. She’s my sister. I trust her with my life.
When I started middle school it was hard. I mean everything was different now. I had to get used to it. I was in really advanced classes and that was how I met alot of my current friends. I also joined the chorus. Chorus changed my life in so many ways I can’t even describe. The teacher is like a second mom to me and we still keep in touch via facebook and even instagram. Music is my life and singing is my passion so I felt at home among that chorus.
I also met some people who later betrayed me. I’m not going to get in that too much. I had a boyfriend and my ‘good friend’ cheated with him. That whole situation was a huge mess. It broke a lot of friendships and I feel bad about how I reacted now. I was only 12. What did I really know?
Over the course of the three years in middle school I met many people and it seemed a lot of people used me to get to something better. I never stood up for myself so my friends were constantly having to deal with sad Katlyn. It was hard for awhile.
In the beginning of 8th grade my friend got involved with someone who wasn’t good for her. They didn’t get along so I gave her some advice. I told her I thought she should break up with him because it would be better for both of them. Instead she told him my thoughts and he hated me. He threatened to hit me if he ever saw me again. That whole conflict ended in a huge Facebook argument where my guy friends were defending me and his friends were defending him. The school found out about it. We all got phone calls home and we’re forced to delete our facebooks. I still get freaked out whenever I hear someone talk about him though. No one really understands or cares about how scared I was for my safety. Whatever, it doesn’t matter now.
After that, there was a lot of conflict with this guy who kept asking me out. I kept saying no because I wasn’t interested in him and he kept getting so angry every time. He would start yelling and then I would start yelling and then he just straight up hated my guts. He told everyone in the school that he wanted me to die and that he hoped when I did die I would burn in hell. Some of my friends didn’t defend me in that situation. I hated everything about myself again. If someone hated me that much maybe no one would care if I hurt myself. Just a few tiny cuts on my leg. No one would ever care, right? Wrong. I scared a lot of people and I realized just how many people did care about me. I tried my best to stop. Sometimes I would relapse, but I realized that was okay. I knew it was a part of getting better.
I wouldn’t have made it through that time if it weren’t for my best friends Emily and Erin. They saved me.
I dated my ex-boyfriend for about six months, through my recovery, and I really did like him. He was cute and he cared about me, or I thought he did. I’d known him for years before so I trusted him. I trusted him until the very end of our relationship, which was just one big experiment to him. I still don’t understand. I wanted cut so badly after the break up. But you know who stopped me? You guys. You guys begged me to stay strong. You made me feel loved. For that I thank you.After while things were okay again and they still are. I’m happy and I believe my friends are doing well too. I like this really cute guy now and he makes me happy. Although there is another girl who likes him too and she threatened to beat me up if I get close to him, but he’s like my best friend (I have no idea why people want to beat me up all the time..). But, I’m still close with the guy and that’s what matters to me. My ex-boyfriend, AJ, has since made an attempt to apologize for how he ended things…7 months after he broke up with me. He’s reasoning was stupid and I don’t know if I can handle him in my life again so I think I’m going to move on from that part of my life. Being positive and open has helped me realize things I never would have noticed. I’m noticing other people and their troubles and I’ve been trying to help them as much as I can. I myself am 100% recovered, I don’t even look at self harm as an option anymore, which I am very proud of. I’m using my experiences to help others and I’m trying to change the world a little bit at a time. If that’s not a good recovery, I don’t know what is.
I love you and please if you feel like cutting or feel suicidal, message me. I want to help you because your life it too precious to be lost! (: x